Saturday, January 01, 2005
An Open Letter
by John Cleese
To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective today.
Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and other territories. Except Utah, which she does not fancy.
Your new prime minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the 97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a minister for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:
1. You should look up “revocation” in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up “aluminium.” Check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘favour’ and ‘neighbour’, skipping the letter U’ is nothing more than laziness on your part. Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters. You will end your love affair with the letter ‘Z’ (pronounced ‘zed’ not ‘zee’) and the suffix “ize” will be replaced by the suffix “ise.” You will learn that the suffix ‘burgh’ is pronounced ‘burra’ e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to respell Pittsburgh as ‘Pittsberg’ if you can’t cope with correct pronunciation.
Generally, you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up “vocabulary.” Using the same twenty seven words interspersed with filler noises such as “like” and “you know” is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. Look up “interspersed.” There will be no more ‘bleeps’ in the Jerry Springer show. If you’re not old enough to cope with bad language then you shouldn’t have chat shows. When you learn to develop your vocabulary then you won’t have to use bad language as often.
2. There is no such thing as “US English.” We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take account of the reinstated letter ‘u’ and the elimination of “-ize.”
3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian accents. It really isn’t that hard. English accents are not limited to cockney, upper-class twit or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You will also have to learn how to understand regional accents - Scottish dramas such as “Taggart” will no longer be broadcast with subtitles. While we’re talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is “Devon.” If you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become “shires” e.g. Texasshire, Floridashire, Louisianashire.
4. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as the good guys. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English characters. British sit-coms such as “Men Behaving Badly” or “Red Dwarf” will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy American audience who can’t cope with the humour of occasional political incorrectness.
5. You should relearn your original national anthem, “God Save The Queen”, but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want you to get confused and give up half way through.
6. You should stop playing American “football.” There is only one kind of football. What you refer to as American “football” is not a very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays “American” football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which is similar to American “football”, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005.
You should stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the ‘World Series’ for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a girls’ game called “rounders,” which is baseball without fancy team strip, oversized gloves, collector cards or hotdogs.
7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public than a vegetable peeler. Because we don’t believe you are sensible enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.
8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called “Indecisive Day.”
9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap and it is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.
10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips. Fries aren’t even French, they are Belgian though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called “crisps.” Real chips are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be trained to be more aggressive with customers.
11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.
12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British Bitter will be referred to as “beer,” and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as “Lager.” The substances formerly known as “American Beer” will henceforth be referred to as “Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine,” with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser company whose product will be referred to as “Weak Near-Frozen Knat’s Urine.” This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in Pilsen, Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.
13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise petrol (or “Gasoline,” as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April 1st 2005) prices with the former USA. The UK will harmonise its prices to those of the former USA and the Former USA will, in return, adopt UK petrol prices (roughly $6/US gallon get used to it).
14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not adult enough to be independent. Guns should only be handled by adults. If you’re not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist then you’re not grown up enough to handle a gun.
15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us crazy.
16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).
Thank you for your co-operation
Friday, March 28, 2003
An Open Letter
A friend wrote this, and I’m publishing it as he doesn’t have a web page.
Open letter to those on the frontlines of “Operation AMERICAN Freedom:
“The fight to bring back freedom to America by voicing your opposition to the war is a noble task. I salute your bravery; I praise your courage to stand up for the Constitution of the United States and the principles of justice that this country should stand for.
Don’t listen to people that claim to be patriotic by waving an American Flag. The American Flag they are waving so proudly was probably made in China, Korea, or Taiwan. The flag is just a symbol. The true strength of this country exists in the ideals of the Constitution and the sense of justice that can only be obtained if people are willing to use their heads and their hearts in striving for the truth. Those willing to voice dissent over the current political situation are the most patriotic people I have seen in a long time.
It is easy to die for one’s country but it is much harder to Live for one’s country by striving to make it a better place. You are supporting the troops by not wanting them to be in harm’s way. If the government would have listened to the millions of people involved in anti-war protests in the United States and around the world then how many American, British and Iraqi people would still be alive?
The truth is in precious short supply these days. I have watched the protests in person and have seen the valiant efforts of protesters to awaken the general public to the truth of the war. Unfortunately what I have seen in life doesn’t translate to the news stations. The mass media has ridiculed and demeaned the Anti-War protests by under-counting those who are participating and selectively reporting only the negative activities that can arise from any large gathering of people. I also cite the over-reporting of the “Support The Troops” pro-war people on almost every news cast.
In effect, the “news” stations have turned into extremely biased public relations firms for the Government. I have yet to see someone from the protests invited to participate in a panel discussion of WHY they are opposed to this war.
I am thankful to KBOO, the Internet, and Free Speech TV for providing an alternative to the biased news I have seen on the public channels.
A suggestion -
The best way to lead people to the truth of the matter is to engage the thinking process by asking questions.
Questions like -
Are you better off now then before George W. Bush took office? Is the world a safer place? Is the stock market better now or before George W. Bush took office? Why are there more people unemployed now that Bush is in office?
16 of the 19 hijackers on 9-11 were from what country? - Answer - Saudi Arabia - Why has the Government not followed up on this? Why are we attacking Afghanistan and Iraq in the name of fighting the terrorists of 9-11 who were mostly from Saudi Arabia?
If the Government wants to “Support Our Troops” then why are they cutting health care benefits for veterans? - Follow up question - If the Government wants to “Support Our Troops” then why are they allowing the use of depleted uranium shells in combat when they know of the health risks related to cancer and Gulf War Syndrome? Is the health of our troops important to the Government?
How much money will Halliburton make related to war contracts from the wars in Afghanistan and Iraq? Vice President Dick Cheney was former CEO of Halliburton. What other companies are getting rich from the war?
Why wouldn’t the Vice President disclose the contents of discussions he had with Enron executives in setting up our energy policy in America? What information is he trying to suppress?
The US Government is fighting a “War on Drugs” as well as a “War on Terror.” The BBC World News reported that Afghanistan has produced a record crop of poppies and will supply a large amount of opium & heroin to the world. The US is currently in control of Afghanistan. Why has this failure of the “War on Drugs” in Afghanistan not been reported in the US news?
It is common knowledge that the US supplied “Weapons of Mass Destruction” and “Operational Support” to Iraq during the first Bush Administration for use in the Iran/Iraq War. Should those in the US Government who sold these Weapons of Mass Destruction to Iraq now be tried as Terrorists or for War Crimes?
75 Billion Dollars is being spent to fund the war for the first six months. How could that money be used to improve the United States? Education? Health Care? Employment? Think about it.
Create your own questions to encourage debate and reason. Make people THINK!
I am just an ordinary American working at a job in downtown Portland, Oregon.
Thank you for your time - keep up the good work.
