Sunday, November 14, 2004

Some things to Do Before the Inaugural

1. Get that abortion you’ve always wanted.
2. Drink a nice clean glass of water.
3. Cash your social security check.
4. See a doctor of your own choosing.
5. Spend quality time with your draft age child/grandchild.
6. Visit Syria, or any foreign country for that matter.
7. Get that gas mask you’ve been putting off buying.
8. Hoard gasoline.
9. Borrow books from library before they’re banned - Constitutional law books, Catcher in the Rye, Harry Potter, Tropic of Cancer, National Geographic, etc.
10. If you have an idea for an art piece involving a crucifix - do it now.
11. Come out - then go back in - HURRY!
12. Jam in all the Alzheimer’s stem cell research you can.
13. Stay out late before the curfews start.
14. Suck up to your neighbors now, BEFORE they turn you in to Homeland Security.
15. Go see Bruce Springsteen before he has his “accident.”
16. Go see Mount Rushmore before the Reagan addition.
17. Use the phrase - “you can’t do that - this is America.”
18. Have that last drink with your Muslim friends.
19. If you’re white - marry a black person, if you’re black - marry a white person; if you’re gay, get married in Massachusetts; if you’re transgendered, move to Canada.
20. Take a walk in Yosemite, without being hit by a snowmobile or a base-jumper.
21. Enroll your kid in an accelerated art or music class.
22. Start your school day without a prayer.
23. Pass on the secrets of evolution to future generations.
24. Learn French. Or German.
25. Attend a commitment ceremony with your gay friends.
26. Take a factory tour anywhere in the U.S.
27. Try to take photographs of animals on the endangered species list.
28. Take photographs of Democrats.
29. Visit Florida before the polar ice caps melt.
30. Visit Nevada before it becomes radioactive.
31. Visit Alaska before “The Big Spill.”
32. Visit Massachusetts while it is still a state.
33. Download a copy of the Constitution on an encrypted CD-ROM and hide it.
34. Play with a dreidel.
35. Masturbate, before Chief Justice Scalia makes it illegal.
36. Visit Congress and Supreme Court before it is disbanded.